


The Passions of Kylo

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, Penis Fencing, Porn, Yaoi, light sabers, man parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 18:59:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13417602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Kylo wants to do it with Hux and a Stormtrooper comes in holding a bowl of condoms. Then Kylo kills all the Jedis.





	The Passions of Kylo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_Aran](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Aran/gifts).



> I'm so sorry you guys. I wanted to write fan fiction but I have bronchitis and am really high on cough medicine so i thought it would be better not to write any of my other stories because I work hard on those. And this one is just a very brief stroke of genius that will probably look like crap when i wake up tomorrow and am not filled with cough medicine and hopefully have less bronchitis. I hate bronchitis. :( It makes me a sad panda.
> 
> Note from the morning after: Oh my god, what did I write? What is in cough syrup? I’m actually a much better writer than this, I swear, but I’m leaving this up because I find it disturbingly hilarious.

Once upon a time Kylo ren was sitting in his death star knock-off thinking about Darth Vader. He wanted to be like his grandfather but he wasn’t as good at using the Force yet.

            He wanted to be the Supreme Leader and make all the dead Jedi ghosts be like “damn, that guy’s badass. So much moreso than Darth Vader.”

            He was just about to use his lightsaber to destroy some things out of anger when Hux walked into the room. His nazi-metaphor uniform looked really good on his tight ass and Kylo loved the pasty color of his skin in the florescent lighting.

            “Hux,” Kylo ren said, “I want to fuck you, k?”

            And hux was like “Okay.”

            A red stormtrooper walked out from behind a pole and he was carrying a bowl of condoms.

            “These are special condoms,” said Kylo Ren. “they glow in the dark.”

            “Why do we need comdoms?” Said Hux. “We cannot get each other pregnant. This is not an Omegaverse fic. And STD’s don’t exist in Star Wars unless they are somewhere in the extended universe but I can’t keep track of all that.”

            “You fool,” Kylo Ren said, putting on his knock-off Darth Vader helmet. “These are not meant to be used to have safer sex, although people outside of the Star Wars universe should always use preganancy and STD prevention while fucking unless they are trying to conceive.”

            Kylo ren took out his penis and all the lighting turned into black lights. He rolled the condom onto his penis and it glowed red.

            “My penis looks just like Darth Vader’s light saber now,” said Kylo ren. “You will wear jedi color penis light saber colors and we will fight until I slaughter you all.”

            Hux had his reservations about being slaughtered, but he also pulled out his penis and put a green glow in the dark condom on it.

            “I’ve always dreamed of killing Master Yoda,” Kylo Ren said.

            They began to penis-fence like bonobos, which are the less violent evolutionary cousins of chimpanzees.

            “I have a confession to make,” Kylo Ren said as they were in a deadlock. “I am not actually left-handed.” He switched to using his right hand to control his penis light saber and stabbed Hux with it.

            Hux fell over and cried.

            “Now be Mace Windu!” Said Kylo Ren.

            “ok,” said Hux as he stood back up and put on a purple glow in the dark condom. “I’m sick of all these mother-fucking sith in this mother-fucking empire!”

            They begane to penis fence again and Kylo Killed him again. Hux cried but he was happy to see Kylo so please with his performance and couldn’t wait to tell Snoke. Snoke was kind of like his father figure because he had daddy issues. He probably has a backstory somewhere, but fuck it. This is porn and no one cares about his life, not even in the real movies.

            “Now,” Kylo said, handing him a blue condom and ordering him to put it on, “I will kill the legendary Luke Skywalker.”

            “Okie dokie then,” said Hux as he put on the condom.

            They played lightsaber battle with their penises for a long time but Kylo Ren won in the end.

            “That was so hot,” Kylo Ren said. “I’m an even better warrior than Darth vader.” He walked over to the wall and kissed the photo of Darth Vader he had there. “You would be so proud grandpa. I killed all the Jedi.”

            “But, Sir,” Hux said, standing up. “What about the girl named Rey?”

            “Fuck you for mentioning her,” Kylo said as he got mad and tried to destroy things with his lightsaver again but forgot he was still using his penis and broke it on a computer terminal. He cried.

            Captain Phasma came in and shot them both and then had a torrid lesbian affair with Samus Aran from Metroid.

            The End


End file.
